Sitting Type #1: Involuntary

There are few bigger self-esteem boosters than when you’re at a social gathering and some drunk kid stumbles and falls down. This is especially true if you are shit-housed (Stage 8 drunk) and the faller is only say, slippery (Stage 4 drunk, see below for full drunk scale.)

The morale boost is immeasurable.

Seeing another so embarrassed causes a reassessment of why the dime from Psychology 200 whose profile pictures you’ve been sifting through wouldn’t want a piece “of this?”And in all reality it’s true the dime is statistically more likely to spend time talking to you after the fallers’ mishap.  This is because you are temporarily chalk full of confidence, unlike the faller who is covered in doo-doo butter looking mud.

This isn’t always the outcome, though. In fact if the following law is adhered to by the faller he can recover, or even come out ahead confidence wise.

Here’s how:

In It’s a Wonderful Life, during a formal dance protagonist George Bailey is pranked and ends up falling into a swimming pool.  BUT, since Baily played it off well, being so unfazed to take a dive in front of a huge crowd of peers, he turned a negative into a positive and everyone ended jumping into the pool with him.

(A record number of underwater tea-parties and cutty aquatic handjobs followed as a result, but that is besides the point.)

The point is, confidence reigns supreme in all situations.  People saw George’s confidence in what is a traditionally a demoralizing situation and they were drawn to it.


Confidence can make an ugly dude get girls, or make Kanye wearing this to the Grammy’s seem badass.

Along the same lines, take a look at this picture of me after taking a nasty drunken spill at a music festival packed with 70,000 people.

Instead of immediately hopping up with my head held in shame, or even worse forcing an obviously fake laugh, I made myself at home and finished the rest of my beer. By no means is this as triumphant of a recovery as George Baileys’, or in the same ballpark as Kanye turning an obviously homosexual outfit into a porn-star aphrodisiac, but its of the same lineage.

Much like a hand-doukie and getting laid.

Sit on. Fuck having to stand.

Drunk Scale

Stage 0: Sober (Like an eight year old before a championship soccer game)

Stage 1: Not Sober (Blood alcohol level speaking, but in reality you still feel exactly same)

Stage 2: Pretty much sober (Sort of feel it, like a fly on your t-shirt)

Stage 3: Buzzed (Feel it, but critical thinking still a possibility)

Stage 4: Slippery (Butterflies are flying through your veins delivering warm happy goodness to your brain)

Stage 5: Feel it (Driving still an outside possibility, but chances of forgetting to turn the headlights on are high)

Stage 6: Drunk (Slurring words here and there; stupid pick-up line brainstorming kicks into 5th gear)

Stage 7: Fucked Up (Use of awful pick-up lines like “I feel like everyone at the party is only talking to me because I’m Lebron James” are executed to no prevail; vision, hearing, and speaking abilities severely impaired)

Stage 8: Shit-Housed (Find out the hot girl you just spat pick-up line to is an Oak Tree you just pissed on in the backyard. Pants feel damp, but the two surely aren’t connected)

Stage 9: Blacked Out (Mooning the girl you scouted out earlier in the night seems like a solid way to seal the deal)

Stage 10: Lights off (You’re a mummy, passed out on the couch with writing all over your face and piss still on your pants.  The only thing you scored tonight was a Facebook friend request from a guy named Allen who you talked to for an hour while blacked out)

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