Dick Measuring, a Passion of too Many

Raise your hand, beep your horn, or punch your mother in the stomach if you recognize this type of conversation.

AnInnocent: I’m headed out of town this weekend so I won’t be able to meet up to work on that project.

DickMeasurer: Oh awesome where to?

AnInnocent: I’m going with some friends to see Avicii down south. Really fucking excited.

DickMeasurer: This isn’t your first time seeing Him is it?

AnInnocent: Yeah nah I never have.


DickMeasurer’s eyes widen and heart flickers in excitement as he stares deep into AnInnocent’s eyes pleading with him to ask the obligatory follow-up question.

AnInnocent finally complies.

AnInnocent:….have you seen Avi—

Before AnInnocent can finish his sentence DickMeasurer cuts him off, pulls down his pants, and begins to measure his dick.

DickMeasurer: I’ve seen him three times, two on the last tour.  But the first time I saw him he was opening up for Tiesto, way before any of this Levels bullshit got popular. Great song, don’t get me wrong, but all these frat fuckers ruined it, even my little cousin loves that song now.

DickMeasurer speaks quickly as if there’s a massive line behind AnInnocent ready to riot if they don’t hear all his awesome stories too.

AnInnocent:  Yeah you’re right it is played a lot, but I feel like it’s still a pretty good one though.

DickMeasurer begins frantically rubbing his cock to get the most favorable measurement he can. He’s been eagerly waiting for this stage like an 8th grade girl for her three lines in the school play after inviting all her friends and extended family to come see it. DickMeasurer has to seize this opportunity because if AnInnocent doesn’t find out how “fucking-out-of-this-world” his knowledge of house music is, he may never know. So he continues with the public measurement.

DickMeasurer: But I saw him again on his Beams of Light in the Nights Sky tour, and everyone was all stoked when he dropped Levels but I just went and took a piss as soon as he started playing the intro.  That’s shitty you missed him on that tour ’cause I bet he’ll never do what he did for the finale ever again…

With that overt set-up for a follow-up question AnInnocent has now fully realized that DickMeasurer has, true to his name, turned the conversation into a dick measuring contest.  But this is not a subtle contest.  No, DickMeasurer has slapped his boner on the table in front AnInnocent and is measuring with a yard-stick while motioning to his cock with this free hand.

Mildly amused, but more so sympathetic to DickMeasurer’s elite position in the high holy church of fagotomy, AnInnocent gives him what he longs for and just asks.

AnInnocent: Oh yeah, what was the finale?

DickMeasurer: He invited the a bunch of the crowd on stage with him to dance during the last few songs!!! Everyone in the crowd was pointing right at us and cheering, it was FUCKING insane.

AnInnocent: That’s dope man. I think GirlTalk actually does that at all of his shows.

DickMeasurer: What? No, I don’t think so. But check this out it was supposed to be all girls but I snuck by and was the ONLY GUY dancing up there surrounded by chicks. It was so FUCKING boss.

AnInnocent: Yeah man that sounds straight as fuck.

DickMeasurer: Super fucking legit I know. (completely misreading AnInnocent’s sarcastic use of the word “straight”)

After successfully getting across the point that his knowledge of techno music dwarfs AnInnocents, DickMeasurer looks down at his now rock-hard cock and see’s that he came in at a solid 3.5 inches.

“Fuck yes.”

After the conversation AnInnocent walks away annoyed and with less hope for the future of mankind, but with his head held high.  He could have responded to DickMeasurer’s boisterous claims by contrasting his many far superior concert and/or life experiences, but he didn’t.  Because as they say, it doesn’t matter how big your dick is, as long as you don’t metaphorically measure it during conversations with others.

All that being said, comparing experiences is part of having a conversation and especially amongst friends one-upping is bound to occur.  This is more than fine, as long as it is in moderation. But next time someone repeatedly plays the one-upping game, wait for them to finish, then reach into your pants, feel around then respond, “Yeah well I’m 8 inches right now and I’m not even fully hard.”

“Never stand. Standing is for those British dudes with funny hats that have to wait outside the Buckingham Palace all day and aren’t allowed to masturbate even if you try to provoke them.”

-George Washington

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