I´ve always suspected my internal organs have been conspiring against me, especially since I have been studying abroad. So yesterday I swallowed a tape recorder to hear just exactly what they were saying. I pooped it out this morning and listened. Although they were speaking in a rare Portuguese dialect, through the greatness of Google Translate I was able to discover what they were plotting. Here´s the transcript:
Liver: 24 days Brain. 24 days.
Brain: Has it been that long? I could´ve sworn Mike jerked off like ten minutes ago?
Liver: No Brain, until Mike´s birthday. He was born on April 20th.
Liver: Super original, Brain. Okay so I know birthdays are always tough for both of us, but his 21st is gonna be especially shitty for me.
Brain: Why’s that?
Liver: Last night Mike, the imbecile, was telling his idiot friends that he wants to take 21 shots and then try to do multiplication to celebrate the big day.
Brain: I´ve got his back on that one, I love multiplication tables!
Liver: I know you do Simple Jack. But do you know how much work it is for me to digest even a single shot of vodka?
Brain: Well I should say my 1-12 multiplication tables are impeccable, but the 13 tables on aren´t as easy.
Liver: Holy shit what has the kid done to you, you used to be a B- student. Well here´s some knowledge, it takes me like thirty minutes of hard fucking work. It´s like running a few miles.
Brain: Well that´s an interesting way to propose such an idea.
Liver: Alright. You don´t know what the fuck I´m talking about. Okay, how can I put this? Oh, so you know when Mike is standing at a crosswalk and see´s a bright red hand and you have to decide whether its okay to walk into the street or not?
Brain: Most stressful part of my day. It´s like when George Washington had to decide whether or not to bomb Cuba when he found out there were missiles there.
Liver: Sure. What I was saying was now imagine having to make the decision 21 times, and that’s how truly fucked I am. It´s literally impossible for me to filter out all that alcohol.
Liver: Now I´ll let you get back to your building blocks in a second, but since you do control most of his thoughts, emotions, and actions I was hoping I could count on you to maybe steer him away from this idiotic crusade.
Brain: You know I´d love to help you, how long have we been friends?
Liver:…almost 21 years.
Brain: Almost 21 years! Yeah! So of course I´ll do what I can but Mike doesn´t listen to me anymore. He hasn´t had me do any real work since last December. I´m only active once a day when I help him decide between a 4 euro fifth of vodka, and 3 one euro bottles of wine at the grocery store. The rest of the day I´m on cruise control and of course Weiner takes over the thinking after 11pm.
Liver: So what the fuck do you do all day??
Brain: Funny you should ask, I´ve been spending a lot of quality time with Anus as of late. He gets a lot of flack from the other body parts for being grumpy, but I would be too if I were caked in shit almost all the time.
Brain: Anus you up??!!
Liver: No! Don´t! It´s not necessary I believe you.
Liver: Brain don´t! I see your rationale but I still think he kinda sucks.
Anus: Fuck you liver.
Brain: I knew he was up!
Liver: Shit….hey anus, how is it down there?
Anus: I bet you´re hoping I´ll say shitty, huh?
Liver: (muffled laughs) No not at all man.
Anus: Pile it on, nothing I didn´t hear every day growing up you prick.
Liver: I didn´t mean anything by it. I just think the other body parts would want to hang out with you more if you weren´t such…
Anus: What? An asshole?
Liver: (muffled laughs) That´s not what I was gonna say.
Anus: I´m going back to sleep. Brain you still trying to buy my Poke’mon cards tomorrow? They´re only going up in value.
Brain: You bet!
Anus: Cool. I´ll bring some holographics, you bring about four thousand dollars.
Anus: Mike´s about to go get fifty cent beers meaning tomorrow morning is going to be pretty busy for me. Liver if you could keep your whiny bitching about his 21st to a minimum so I can get some sleep, I´d appreciate it.
Liver: Honestly I I wasn´t trying to start anything Anus. Anus you still there? Anus……? What a fucker. So how about it Brain, can you at least try your best. I just want to live, you know?
Brain: I´ll see what I can do but I want to keep at least one holographic card for myself.
Liver: Holy fuck, no not that. I´m asking if you can try to get Mike to not take 21 shots for his birthday.
Brain: I´ll surely give it my best, which in the end is all anyone can ask for.
Liver: Fuck. Well I´m gonna take a quick nap, if it really is fifty cent beer night I´m gonna be up late.
Brain: Good night Liver. Wait!! Hey Liver, isn´t tomorrow national marijuana day?
¨Sitting is Caring”