I met the former Vice-President at Petco a few months back. I was buying a new hamster to replace Daunte, who recently passed after his four year bout with having me as his owner, and Cheney was buying kittens to boil alive for his trademark stew. We bonded over our lack of aim, mine constantly missing the toilet bowl with my piss, his constantly missing libertarians with his gun. We ended up talking for a while and he even shared his kitten stew recipe with me and said I could put it on the blog.
What a guy.
Dick Cheney’s Famous Little Baby Kitten Stew
Feeds 6-8 Morally Reprehensible Politicians
3 Little Baby Kittens (Alive)
2 Table Spoons of Salt
1/2 Ounce of Flaky Eczema Shavings (preferably bloody)
1 Tomato (Organic/Fair Trade Only)
1 Friend or Loved One Open to Zany Cooking Adventure 🙂
1. Shoot Friend or Loved on in the face, hide body. If caught deem an accident. You no doubt must have accidentally shot someone before so story will be believable.
2. Now alone and able to work efficiently, boil hot pot of water on stove until it’s hot enough to boil 3 little baby kittens alive.
3. Carefully place little baby kittens into boiling water, being careful not to bump their fragile heads on the side of the pot. Make sure to remember to put lid over the top to drown out their screams.
4. Snort the line of flaky, and in a perfect world bloody, eczema.
5. Make sure friend or loved one is really dead and not just faking it. Remember, they’re a witness now.
6. Cut the tomato into 12-14 slices of even width. Place into pot with little baby kittens to camouflage bits of brain that may be floating on the surface.
7. Insert a pinch of salt, but not too much as it is bad for your heart.
8. Stir rapidly until the face of each little baby kittens is so pale and lifeless that there’s no chance its body is still harboring a soul. Eating bodies with soul’s still in them is not a path worth traveling, trust me.
9. Enjoy with surviving loved ones and dog lovers.