My Religious Fundamentalist Buddy Pete Feels Strongly that You’re Going to Hell

Every city has a few crazies that scream at traffic with their ear to the bible.  Bloomington, Indiana is no different.  On sunny days he posts outside the biggest building on campus and loudly reminds students passing by how sinful they are.  Needless to say, the guy is as entertaining as Twitter, porn, and A Night at the Roxbury combined.

Whether he’s preaching that Mother Theresa was a whore, pre-marital relations mean burning in eternal hell-fire, or that gays are criminals, the senile old man we affectionately call “Crazy Pete” is fun for the whole straight-white-male-American-Protestant family.

Even if you’re like me, a binge drinking Jew that enjoys kissing girls with tongue (AKA his worst nightmare), his daily sidewalk sermons are still can’t miss shit.

Many students attempt to overpower Crazy Pete with logical arguments like it’s some kind of rational debate.  Not smart.  That’s like trying to coax an infant into drinking its bottle of formula by reciting the nutrition facts: The two of you just aren’t speaking the same language.

On my way to Spanish class yesterday I noticed ol’ C.P was surrounded by students who were yelling things like  “Well that’s your opinion and I don’t agree, you idiot!” and “Why don’t you get lost!”

You see, given C.P’s hectic hate-genda silly comebacks like these don’t even illicit responses out of him, especially if he’s mid-sermon.  I was already late for class but rustling C.P’s feathers until he blows his top like Mount Vesuvius is something that’s not in my DNA to turn down.

Like a bull fighter, I eased into the confrontation carefully plotting when to break out my red cape of verbal warfare.

I took it easy on him at first.

Me: “Hey Pete, is The Pull-Out Method an acceptable form of contraception in the eyes of God?”

He jolted his head back at me and flared his nostrils.  I had the bulls’ attention.

C.P: “WITH WHOM!”

Me: “My wife of three years.”

C.P: “WELL YES IN THAT CASE IT—”

Me: “–Shit my bad I meant my boyfriend Raul.”

C.P quickly hopped away from me eager not to expose himself to whatever disease I’d caught from my perverted lifestyle.

C.P: “A HOMOSEXUAL IS AMONG US AND I PRAY FOR HIS SINS ALTHOUGH—“

Me: ….oooh wait, and also the rest of my intramural football team.  And I can’t be positive I used the pull-out method on all of them. Especially Jason, the quarterback.”

I had whipped out my bright red flag and was waving it at the bull.  He kicked his hooves and came at me with everything he had.

C.P: “SON YOU WILL BE STRUCK DOWN BY LIGHTENING AND SUBJECT TO THE WRATH OF THE MIGHTY ONE IN FORMS OF PLAGUES AND ETERNAL HELL-FIRE IF YOU CONTINUE YOUR DEMONIC WAYS.”

I paused for a moment in faux-contemplation.

Me: Maybe you’re right.  Hell, I didn’t even used to be gay.  I had a girlfriend but once we went to Planned Parenthood to get her an abortion and they said a change of policy meant her punch-card for “Have four abortions, get the fifth free” wasn’t good anymore.  I just didn’t want to believe in a God that would allow such a sudden policy change when we were only one abortion away from the free one. So after that its been nothing but cock gobbling for me.”

The crowd of maybe forty students was now joyously laughing at the once polarizing C.P.  Responding to their growing disenchantment with his act caused by my ruse he threw just about every slur in the book at me.  I waited for him to finish berating my soul then responded that he was the one, in fact, who was the towel.

Game. Set. Mike.

I’m completely serious in saying that despite his message of hate, C.P’s crusade is a noble one.  The man spends countless hours trying to protect strangers from what he truly believes to be perilous consequences for their actions.

If you were positive that attendees of concert would catch a deadly virus inside the venue you’d scream and shout by the entrance to warn them, right?  They’d walk by muttering that you’re crazy but your intentions would be pure.

In reality, those cursed ones he preaches about should count their blessings that such a lunatic is the face of the smear campaign against them.  If I were a gay black Jewish person I’d feel pretty good that hatred towards me has gone from the level of institutionalization to a sideshow on the way to class.

Lastly, is C.P considered a lunatic because of his beliefs or because he’s yelling them in public with a goofy cane?  C.P might actually be crazy, but he’s not preaching from his diary.

 

 

“If I could go back in time I’d murder the guy who decided dampened butt wipes are just for babies.  Just being an adult means my anus can handle rough toilet paper?  C’mon, like fuck.”

-George H.W. Bush

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2 Responses to My Religious Fundamentalist Buddy Pete Feels Strongly that You’re Going to Hell

  1. What on earth does this have to do with the election or Romney?
    Crazy Pete sounds like an easy target to vent your anger toward. From the description of your behavior toward him, you sound hateful. Leave him alone. If he’s bothering you, call campus security.

  2. daman6873 says:

    romney’s beliefs echo crazy pete’s a good amount. i’d say crazy pete is the hateful one, I just like dick and fart jokes. He’s not bothering me he’s super entertaining. also, you are a towel.

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