As the sun begins to regularly show up in the sky and students the exact opposite to class it’s becoming clear that spring has finally arrived. With it, wildlife is back on campus after their extended winter vacations organized through B-Town Trips. The bunnies especially are back in record numbers but, for the first time, aren’t especially welcome. You may see the bunnies in Dunn woods, the arboretum, or your favorite adult video, but what you aren’t seeing is the damage they’re doing to our ecosystem.
Bloomington’s unique climate makes it an ideal home to a rare and federally protected species of plant. It carries a scientific name of Dannis Jensininis, but it’s basically a bush that foul tasting berries grow on. Still, it’s protected as one of the state’s oldest plants and because its nutrients are tremendously beneficial to soil fertilization. Animals sometimes eating the berries is unavoidable but the bunnies in Bloomington have almost wiped out the species entirely. Because the bunnies are considered a “non-native” or “invasive” species Governor Mike Price has given the okay to control their population.
A volunteer townie militia calling themselves the “Bunny Kill Patrol Murderers” are ready to carry out the population control endeavor as soon as the students leave in May. Their leader, a man that goes by simply “Ol Bill,” has said he’ll try being diplomatic with the furry critters before the murderous rampage begins.
“Using a bullhorn we’ll ask the bunnies to leave nicely. If that doesn’t work we plan on capturing their king, who we’ve yet to identify, and hold him hostage. If he refuses to relocate his entire colony then, well, it’s open season…bunnies.”
‘Ol Bill claims the “Bunny Kill Patrol Murderers” are already twelve hicks strong and armed with weapons including grenades, shotguns, wooden stakes, and lawn-mowers. Instead of spreading out they plan on hunting the bunnies in a group using the “angry mob approach” complete with torches and pitchforks. They say they can be ready to kill at a moment’s notice, or however long it takes to get their check at Applebee’s.
Naturally, Collins kids are already pissed off over the population control plans. In protest many have begun handcuffing themselves to bunnies much like how environmentalists have traditionally tied themselves to threatened trees. The Collins kids have been taking their bunny companion/prisoner with them everywhere including class, the gym, and the bathroom even if they’re going poop. Next Tuesday there’s a rally planned in which celebrity bunny and bunny spokesmen Bugs Bunny is set to speak. His appearance at the rally is of course dependent on how much acid you take beforehand.
Amidst the controversy the Governor’s office has been forced to chime in and just released this official statement.
“Killing bunnies is hella fun and silly but first and foremost the initiative’s purpose is to protect a plant that’s sacred to the state of Indiana. I’ve informed the dirty hicks to kill the bunnies as humanely as possible and to only use the lawnmower as a last resort. Most importantly, all the bunny meat will be shipped directly to impoverished city West Lafayette. The five hot girls there will get first dibs on the shredded bunny meat, but after that it will be dispersed evenly amongst the sorry population.”
Our sympathies do go out to the bunnies but honestly it’s whatever because they’re stupid animals and most can’t even read or write. Also, I’ve heard that literally none even bothered voting in the last election which really pisses me off. It’s like, fine if you’re not voting for my candidate, but people sacrificed a lot for your right to vote so the least you can do is walk down the street. Sorry it just really makes me angy.