Can I Masturbate in Your Shower? Life on the Road Pt. 2: Austin

If I could design a city from scratch I would make Austin, Texas.  

Austin is an easy to navigate grid with one main street that runs through the center which leads to the massive capital building.  There’re warm lakes and a river that people kayak, paddle, and drink on all day.  It’s 80 degrees and sunny. Always.  The people are young, fit, genuinely nice, intelligent, and attractive.  There’s no litter, no bums, no crime, no hotheads starting fights.

There’re countless music venues and bars each unique and consistently full.  One street with only pizza and bars is blocked off at night to accommodate drunk people which affectively turns the road into a hangout of its own. 

(See Photograph Below Taken with iPhone 5 Which is the Newest of all the iPhones and Yeah You can Play With it or Whatever But I’m Gonna Watch You the Whole Time Making You Nervous so You’ll Give it Back Before You Found What You Wanted to Check Out in the First Place)Image

The food in Austin is diverse, cheap, and delicious.  Every business you walk into has the same Pandora playlist called “Songs You’ve Heard Once, Loved, Then Forgot About Until Just Now.”  Austin hosts two music festivals, a film festival, has massive parks with finely cut grass, vast wilderness for hiking, and very soon its own In-N-Out.  Walking around the city is truly entertaining and not in a “Ohh jeez mom wow this hike is neat” way but more a “Trying my hardest not to enjoy exercising but can’t help it” way.  Oh, and Google is about to install free high speed Wi-Fi for the entire city.  

If it sounds like I’m sucking Austin’s dick I’m not.  I just finished sucking it five minutes ago and am still cleaning up the gold dust and joy it sprayed on my face.  I love this city so much I’ll probably name my first born son Michael, after me (Michael McClure), and tell him about how much fun I had in Austin this one time.

But how did a rose sprout out of a pile of shit that is the rest of Texas?  I mean almost no one in Austin has a cousin that’s also their mom.

Locals say the music scene and excellent university (UT) weed out the sort of Texans that shoot people for fun and only recently started listening to Bon Iver.  Super liberal Austin is the only spec of blue around election time on a voting map that’s as red as the devils dick.  Just last month  liberal hating hicks from neighboring Bushwick tried invading Austin but the mob got contact high from all the weed smoke in the air and just saw Finding Nemo 3D instead.  From what I’ve heard they liked the flick and were blown away upon learning fishes could talk.      

Although weed is everywhere it’s important to note that Austinite potheads aren’t the tie-die wearing lazy stoners that think they’re politically savvy.  Instead they’re the fresh off work hanging with friends “Hmm Why Not?” stoners.  I’ve never seen such a vast population of productive stoners in one place. It seems Austin’s thriving economy is fueled by the wacky cycle of:

People Work= People Have Money=People Spend Money at Local Businesses= Local Businesses Can Hire People

While this economic model is most likely a tricky scheme orchestrated by that fascist Obama (God Damn Obamaaa!) it seems to be working just this one time. 

One less happy happy blowjob aspect of the city, though, is that Austinites aren’t good sharers.  They’ll definitely lend you a buck, buy you a shot, or let you fuck their sister, but they don’t want you moving to their city.  The slogan around Austin these days is “Welcome to Austin, Don’t Forget to Leave.” 

The sentiment stems from a population influx that has sent real estate and commodity prices soaring. More than prices, though, Austinites are concerned with protecting the culture of creativity, care and positivity that outsiders have made the pilgrimage to leach off of but maybe not contribute to.

The 60’s peace movement in San Francisco ended when droves of people moved there because it was the hip thing to do.  The original message of peace and acceptance was drowned out in a sea of drugs and shitty music.  In music terms, Austinites figure why add a member to an already wildly successful band when the risk of the new guy being a cancer isn’t nearly worth the slight benefit of an extra percussionist? 

While I can understand their frustration, if Austinities truly believed in the powerful and contagious virtues of positivity, kindness and creativity then they wouldn’t be afraid to test them on a larger scale.  The spread of these ideas and the happiness they create surely isn’t a pie with a finite number of slices to go around. 

This nitpicky complaint is far outweighed by the greatest asset Austin has to offer: The people.  You get the feeling Austinites are genuinely interested in what you’re saying instead of just waiting for their turn to talk.  At a bar my friend and I talked to a girl so pretty we would’ve listened for hours about how much she hates the girls in her sorority.  She preferred to tell us some cool shit to do in Austin and introduce us to her friends. That’s not the only example, though.

 A Starbucks I was at closed but they let everyone keep hanging out on the private patio and even left the music on.  A bartender accidentally poured one too many beers and gave us the extra for free.  I bought medicine and the clerk at CVS told me she hoped I felt better.  My friend and I walked home from the bars with a drunk dude who instead of breaking shit spent the walk preaching how we should never be afraid of chasing our dreams. 

This shit isn’t all just a coincidence.   

Austinites will be glad to know that despite my love of their city I won’t forget to leave.  I’m headed back to San Francisco because there’re almost no gays in Austin and my success with girls is heavily dependent on the majority of my competition preferring cock. 

But from a guy who loves sitting down a standing ovation to you, Austin.

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