When Storm Troopers Die do their Families Get Condolence Letters?…..Yes.

Office of Darth Vader

Death Star

Ominously Dark Room #712

Outer Space, Far Away Galaxy 69696


Dear Mr. and Mrs. Serial X7YT669,

I send you this intergalactic digital telegraph with a heavy heart.  As you have no doubt heard, your son, Serial X776HTIP was gunned down by a rebel last week on the still under construction death star.

The incident occurred when a few rebels came on a rescue mission to free Princess Lea who we’ve held captive for some time.  Princess Lea is a dignitary in the intergalactic senate and served as a valuable prisoner in our fight against the rebellion.  Also, the guys really dug watching her change and take shits in her cell through a live feed.

Your son, Serial X776HTIP, or as his storm trooper friends affectionately called him, Jeffery, was guarding the prisoners’ cell when the rebels freed her, killing him in the process.  Your son’s murderer is most likely Luke Skywalker who I’m ashamed to say is my son.  This isn’t the first time he’s acted up and killed one of daddy’s minions, and please take solace in knowing he will have a lengthy time-out once I convert him to the dark side probably around the third movie.

If it’s any further consolation please know that your son’s murderer recently kissed his own sister.  I know, fucking gross right?  Initial reports say there was limited tongue action but still, c’mon, that’s weird haha.

More important than the menace of his killers, though, is the heroism routinely displayed by your beloved son.  Since his arrival on the Death Star Jeffery was always first to volunteer to guard those neat retractable doors which make that cool “whoosh” sound.

A fond memory of him I often share was one time when I walked through a door Jeffery was guarding and didn’t acknowledge him.  Recalling classic Jeffery moments like those will ensure the memory of your son lives on long after his body is destroyed by our big- ass trash compactor.

Please know that the galactic empire will not rest until your son’s death is avenged, or until we find another clone that does an equal or better job at standing in front of a door.


Forever and ever yours,

Darth. P Vader

Commander, Galactic Empire/Dark Side of the Force

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