An Objective Summary of “The Lion King” (Spoiler Alert)

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Affluent lion-prince, Simba, basically chills all day and puts the moves on his lion crush, Nalla. Simba will eventually become king of the pride as long as he doesn’t fuck everything up.

 

 

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Simba fucks everything up by wandering into a stampede then needing rescue. His father’s death may or may not be his fault, but totally is.

 

 

 

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Simba runs away to the jungle to avoid having to live with his grouchy uncle who has a facial deformity and thus was never considered worthy of being king.  Simba skips Mufasa’s funeral and doesn’t even have the decency to RSVP “no.”

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Simba quickly makes friends with a flatulent warthog and conceited mongoose who both live by the motto of not caring or worrying about anything, ever.

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Simba takes their motto to heart and doesn’t do shit in his teenage years except dick around and walk across logs really slowly.

ImageSimba returns to the place where he (sort of) killed his father to take control over a giant rock and possibly slam Nalla, who he figures “must totally just be asking for it” despite him not Skype-ing her even once since they’d gone long distance. 

 

 

 

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Simba retakes the giant rock by throwing his deformed uncle into a firey pit of death, affirming once and for all that people who look different aren’t fit to lead…only the sons of previous leaders are.

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